Happy Sostice

Melancholy musing

the days go by

i cease to cry

the loss of love

i fear not death but life in pain

i pray my life was not in vain

my dear ones stand beside me

i wish to be strong

to sing another song

soon i hope

UPDATE

I begin four days of chemo therapy on the Solstice and finish on Christmas Eve. I will do it outpatient and carry a small pump. 

 I send my love to all of you during this season of giving, of rebirth, and joy!

Acceptance

Sunrise at the beach

It has been a long time since I posted. Why? The treatments have weakened me physically and honestly I haven't felt like sharing. I have been fighting the pain, the lack of identity( that which we name ourselves...dancer, artist, athlete), and my dependence.

The body is only a garment. 

How many times you have changed your clothing in this life,

 yet because of this you would not say you have changed. 

Similarly when you give up this bodily dress at death you do not change. 

You are just the same, an immortal soul, a child of God.

P Yogananda

Today was my last radiation treatment and there is some regression of the tumor.  I will meet with the oncologist tomorrow to see what he suggests as the next step.

At this point I believe I have come to a place of acceptance...acceptance of what is. That includes the pain, the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to work. But with that comes a grace in the loving people who surround me, encourage me, pray for me, and nourish me. They bring with them smiles and stories and the gift of their time. I would be very selfish not to appreciate the abundance.

 There is a very good book that expresses this feeling much better than  I,

written by John Donahue called anam cara, 

or the unity of friendship that overcomes even death.

I have moved to a small apartment. My sister has been here for three weeks and has really helped me with the moving process. She spends time making nourishing soups, smoothies and juices as well as just being there for me and playing chauffeur.

My dear friend's husband bought an outdoor table and chairs and a lounge chair for the garden. There I can sit in the sun and watch the butterflies or doze. When it is warm, breakfast outdoors!
We have planted hanging pots of petunias and geraniums and a water crystal hangs reflecting the light. All in all, it is a beautiful outdoor space.

I will close the post here and wish you all my love and thanks.

 Live each day to its fullness and "don't sweat the small stuff!"

Tanza

Phoenix Rising

God is love and so is the human soul, being a spark of the same essence.

Where to begin...one week ago today, I visited a reputable oncologist on the advice of a friend. She pushed to get me an appointment as quickly as possible.

I had just returned from Europe as you know from the last post and a very painful back surgery which stabilised the decompression of my spine.

Two weeks back and my dear friend had me in the doctor's office. He gave me my options. That evening we went to the ER with his orders in hand and I found myself on the eighth floor oncology ward. Immediately a battery of tests were ordered and it literally has been nonstop. Long story short and several procedures later, I have begun radio-therapy and will continue five days a week for six weeks.

The cancer has spread to the bladder and the bones, so I have had stints placed through the kidneys to eliminate possible blockage as I undergo this therapy. The first surgery I had on Ralph's birthday and the second on mine.

As I was coming out of the recovery some good friends including clowns were there with balloons and cheer. I was quite out of it obviously, but the nurses and staff I am sure got a kick out of it. What a birthday celebration! My room is filled with lovely flowers and cards and every day my dear friends bring me good food as they know I reject the hospital trays. I am so blessed to have so many caring folks around me and if you are reading this you know how much I love you even if in my pain and sadness it doesn't always show.

Tomorrow I hope to be discharged...I will continue treatments as an outpatient. Although it has only been a week, it feels like months. I miss the sound of the birds and smells of my garden. Tonight there is a beautiful glowing pink sunset from my penthouse window to remind me that I made it through another day.

What now? I can't answer that question. One moment at a time. Thoughts and ways of being in life have shifted to another level. Simplicity, managing pain, trying to walk, to breathe, to be in a world that no longer carries the endless possibilities of dance and work. I can only trust in the universe that sustains us all and carry the faith that I have been given more time in this broken body for a reason. My love and inner knowledge that our life flows beyond this frail frame is boundless in spite of the pain and doubts and tears I have experienced in the past week.

A Muslim Saint says:

God created an embodiment of love.

For His glorification, His angels were quite enough.

To Guide the Way

Lighthouse in the morning

Amy and I will finally depart from Humlegaarden tomorrow, Monday 13 Sept. We fly to Paris and then take the train back to Argenton. We are both anxious for change , gudied by the light of unknowing.

We walk each day along the sea, I have been on the stationary bike 5K, and do some simple movement exercise. Mobility is limited front and back and lateral, but I able to pick up after myself again, carry dishes and little by litte the pain is easing. I will be able to do real therpy after three months, so I am looking at December for that.

I have learned how to give myself injections of helixor/iscador ( mistletoe) and other homeopathic tinctures for the immune system. I will be continuing this and vitamins and other treatments when I leave.

As the sun comes out after the rain, sparkling in the trees and dripping from the grand oak, I step out into the light of a new life. I don't know what the furture holds and I am learning to live quietly in the present, listening to the silent spaces in my body and in the environment around me. I have had to learn to accept the change in my body and I will admit I did not do it gracefully, but with many tears and restless questioning.

I am grateful for the healing time here, for the amazing generosity of the women that made it financially possible, as I have been given a gift of more time on the planet.

As I said, we will be traveling today, and Amy, as always will help me with luggage, packing and organising the journey.

PS Amy's latest post is a fun overview of where we have been staying. If you are interested:http://southofsabai.wordpress.com/2010/09/12/excursions-and-sightings/

Thank you for all your support.

Love and light

Tanza

Humlegaarden

Here it is the first week of September. I have been four weeks at Humlgaarden on the Baltic Sea. I am told we are very lucky that the weather has been calm and fair. Mornings, Amy and I walk to the sea and marvel at the hardiness of the Danish who come for an early morning dip.

Nearby is an ancient site full of energy in a woods guarded by old oaks and elms.

The clinic consists of a ring of apt/cottages and

a grassy lawn, well kept gardens, and a giant oak around the main building.

In the main buiding is the dining hall where we have three lovely vegetarian meals a day, a drawing room filled with eclectic art, antique furniture, a piano and a standing bass.

Dr Finn, often gives a lecture there in the evening on some for the therapies and their discovery.

Other small rooms are used for therapies which I won't discuss here as you can peruse their website if you are interested. http://www.humlegaarden.com/uk/index.html

As far as my health, After x rays and a ct scan it was decided that I needed radiation. . One afternoon they came a whisked us away to the hospital in Copenhagen and I met with an oncologist who ordered an MRI. Next thing we knew I was talking to the spine surgeon about emergency surgery or the result would be paralysis.

I was treated with decompression and instrumental fusion which basically means they cut me open from the L1 to TH11(that's a big scar!) Bye bye flexibility. I am learning a new kind of flexibility, letting go, grateful that I can walk.

After the first day post op, I did manage to get up and after five days in the hospital I was back at Humlegaarden with crutches, hobbling back and forth to the sea.

Today is the tenth day and the sutures have been removed and I am walking slowly on my own again.

Amy has been my constant companion and a joy to be with. She holds me up when I fall into the darkness, never judging, just gently there, her beautiful smile ready. She has helped me with vitamins, meds, carried my plates, endured many sleepless nights as I tossed in pain.

What more to say? We are waiting to get post op radiotherapy and I am patiently healing, making small exercises and therapies.

Each day is a challenge, I am doing some light and color therapy with music, resting in the sun when it is warm, reading, being still, sometimes I try to sketch. I think about the preciousness of life and how I stood on the threshold , but the door was closed and I have been given the gift of a new life. I think about painting and how new and wonderful that felt to me, laying a pallette, poster studies, painting light.

I don't know what will be and as Amy says, "One breath at a time..."

This I leave you with and an incredible emotion of love and gratefulness to the angels that have made this possible for me, for the prayers and emails of support, and the love and light that fuses the air around me because of all of you.

Blessings, Tanza

River of Tears and a Veil of Light

After a diagnostic test, a day in the hospital, I have news that the tumor has spread to the bladder and is now stage IV.

I have been in quite a lot of pain due to the kidneys and am getting weaker. Each moment and each silly little thing in my life suddenly shines out; a teapot, a piece of clothing, how the light dances on the water and reflects in the leaves of the trees like so many fairies. How precious is the human life and how sweet its foibles.

Last night when I returned to my lovely home, I cried a river of tears. I cried for myself, for the unbearable pain, I cried for the knowledge that this body is breaking down, for my attachment to Mother Earth, for the sadness I am causing, for not understanding this disease and I am trying to embrace all the tears as deep love.

Like so many times when one is without hope and in the darkness, a light shines dimly through the fog of despair. A wonderful lady, an angel offered financial help. I am now in a clinic in Denmark called Humlegaarden ( http://www.humlegaarden.com/)

where I am receiving daily care and treatments. It is a five minute walk from the Baltic sea where the water is clear, small summer cottages line the road and sailboats grace the horizon.

More on this wonderful place in the next post.

Love to all and thank you for your prayers and loving energy!

Tanza

The Dance of Life

fresh raspberries in the morning,

a bouquet of roses and lavender from the garden,

the bright sun of mid summer

the source of all life

Rumours are circulating that the dance is nearly over...and yes I stood on the threshold but I am still here learning, living every day.

Paul arrived last week at a particularly difficult time for me and gracefully and generously (yes even Paul can be graceful)stepped into the role of caregiver for a week as I recovered, feeding me, making juices and lovely fruit dishes.

My roses are blooming deep pink after an exciting thunderstorm that touched our little village.

Morning sunrises wake me and I walk along the river, surprised by the myriad of lifeforms. One morning I startled a blue heron, today I am amazed by the varieties of butterflies and moths on the purple thistle.

Thank you for all your prayers and support.

"...The physical form is but a tiny condensation of a much greater form...

As our cells are part of a greater whole, the body, so are we the cells with in a greater body, the Earth. She in turn is but a cell within the greater whole."

GOD I AM

No fears, just joy, joy of living the la vita bella, le beau vie. Please dance for me and remember the origin of all things is love. Where we go, what we do is not as important as how we be.

BE simply present and enjoy!

Enjoy walking the grass barefoot, singing loudly in the car, laughing with friends. It IS all so simple. Life isn't meant to be complicated, we make it so.

I LOVE YOU Always and Forever,

Tanza