Humlegaarden

Here it is the first week of September. I have been four weeks at Humlgaarden on the Baltic Sea. I am told we are very lucky that the weather has been calm and fair. Mornings, Amy and I walk to the sea and marvel at the hardiness of the Danish who come for an early morning dip.

Nearby is an ancient site full of energy in a woods guarded by old oaks and elms.

The clinic consists of a ring of apt/cottages and

a grassy lawn, well kept gardens, and a giant oak around the main building.

In the main buiding is the dining hall where we have three lovely vegetarian meals a day, a drawing room filled with eclectic art, antique furniture, a piano and a standing bass.

Dr Finn, often gives a lecture there in the evening on some for the therapies and their discovery.

Other small rooms are used for therapies which I won't discuss here as you can peruse their website if you are interested. http://www.humlegaarden.com/uk/index.html

As far as my health, After x rays and a ct scan it was decided that I needed radiation. . One afternoon they came a whisked us away to the hospital in Copenhagen and I met with an oncologist who ordered an MRI. Next thing we knew I was talking to the spine surgeon about emergency surgery or the result would be paralysis.

I was treated with decompression and instrumental fusion which basically means they cut me open from the L1 to TH11(that's a big scar!) Bye bye flexibility. I am learning a new kind of flexibility, letting go, grateful that I can walk.

After the first day post op, I did manage to get up and after five days in the hospital I was back at Humlegaarden with crutches, hobbling back and forth to the sea.

Today is the tenth day and the sutures have been removed and I am walking slowly on my own again.

Amy has been my constant companion and a joy to be with. She holds me up when I fall into the darkness, never judging, just gently there, her beautiful smile ready. She has helped me with vitamins, meds, carried my plates, endured many sleepless nights as I tossed in pain.

What more to say? We are waiting to get post op radiotherapy and I am patiently healing, making small exercises and therapies.

Each day is a challenge, I am doing some light and color therapy with music, resting in the sun when it is warm, reading, being still, sometimes I try to sketch. I think about the preciousness of life and how I stood on the threshold , but the door was closed and I have been given the gift of a new life. I think about painting and how new and wonderful that felt to me, laying a pallette, poster studies, painting light.

I don't know what will be and as Amy says, "One breath at a time..."

This I leave you with and an incredible emotion of love and gratefulness to the angels that have made this possible for me, for the prayers and emails of support, and the love and light that fuses the air around me because of all of you.

Blessings, Tanza

A request for Unity

I had an idea this morning after reading a book called Jungle Medicine by Connie Graud.

She is referring to the many tribal folk who came to see her, and check on her when she was healing. I quote:

" It dawned on me how, in a tribal society, the health of each member was of great importance, as each one contributed something of essential value. An unwell mother couldn't cook for her family. Injury to a hunter could mean insufficient meat for the group. If the shaman were incapacitated, there was no tribal doctor to deal with medical emergencies, and so on.

Back home when I was ill or injured, I took a pill, applied some kind of medication, put on a bandage and went back to work. And no one cared much one way or the other. Feeling this group care and support made me realise what a deprivation it s absence in modern culture truly is."

Now I know that everyone I send this to has their own health/emotional issues, but perhaps if we can by Internet (which is our tribal way of communication these days) reach out and ask for support it can be very easy.

What my request is simply this; that on Monday EST at noon you give me a minute or two of loving support, however you believe, prayer, good vibes, healing energy,etc. Focus on the pelvic

region of my body, but include the entire physical vehicle as I would like to occupy it for a few more years, paint, dance and send my thoughts to you.

It has been a learning experience to ask for help over these long months, but in the last few weeks, it has been pouring in, meeting old and dear friends, unconditional support from my longtime partner, financial gifts, and the never tiring support of my beautiful dancer/garden fairy who called me morning a and night. Weekly visits to the White Crane Healing Arts have been support and stability this winter of change.

What is receiving but giving the gift of gratitude and feeling overwhelming awe at the power of unity between beings?

This week I received the shock of losing someone near and dear who I will never see again on this plane, but she remains in my heart and soul as we are truly connected by light. I am reminded of the lyrics " Every time you go away, you take a little piece of me" I feel that a little piece of me goes with her on her journey.

In that I say, make each hour of your relationships count. Reach out even if you don't feel like it. When I was in the deepest darkness, I crawled inside myself and indulged in sadness and despair. We need to establish a unity as family, as people to heal ourselves and the planet. We cannot afford to whine and wallow. Precious is the love you share, deepen it, don't feel that others don't want to help because they do!! I say this as much for me as for anyone who cares to listen.

SO if you remember and a have the inclination, think of me Monday 12 noon EST

I think that is 9am PST, 6 pm in France, 7 am in Hawaii, 6 am Thailand. If I err, well, sort it out on your end and we do what we can.

we can. It will be like a group hug.

Blessings and many thanks

Tanza

Walking

This week we had a cold spell. How we all complained!! ... we are not accustomed to heaters and heavy jackets and shoes and socks. Nights were in the thirties(F) and even my cat stayed indoors. My sister Nina came down from Pennsylvania and found it quite a nice change from below zero.

We had a nice couple of days together including a trip to Butterfly world where even the butterflies had been kept indoors and were slowly being reintroduced to the atrium as the weather began to warm. Today it is back in the 70's F and feels great! Our conversations circled around healing emotional and physical hurts and taking charge.

Why is it after a crisis I feel the need to speak? Perhaps those are the days we make the most progress, perceiving a dark cloud in ones mind and finding a way through it to the light again. I have been resting a lot and my past active non-stop personality jumped in and criticised my indolence or what I have been defining as inertia.

Inertia:

Origin1705-15 Latin : lack of skill, slothfulness

Synonyms: torpor, inaction, laziness

Physics.

The property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted on by an external force.

LORIKEETS "It is the child that sees the primordial secret in Nature and it is the child or ourselves we return to. the child within is simple and daring enough to live the Secret" LAO-TZU I prefer the definition of retaining its state of rest along a straight line, but my crazy head calls me inactive and lazy, closer to the 17 century definition. Regardless, today is a new day and I began by a walk in the hood. It is a clear cool winter morning Florida style and I observed the big ficus trees wrapped around themselves, the live oaks, two entwined as one, and picked a small bouquet of fresh fragrant jasmine, juxtaposed in between an old fence and the trash along the alley where I chose to walk. The idea to walk this bright morning came from Julia Cameron's book The Vein of Gold. Maybe some of you know her from The Artists Way. Her task is to walk daily 20 minutes. Try it?

Happy Holidays

Blessings and Joy

I wasn't really sure where to post this or if I should just send a group email, but this format is simpler to post photos and write my rambling thoughts. The subject also seems to be in sinc with healing, forgiveness and understanding and maybe even New Years resolutions(?) So here I am again.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading and meditation. Years ago I took a workshop with a Slovenian artist named Marko Pogacnik, who leads seminars in earth healing.

Sometimes I think that we tend to blame our illnesses on our toxic environment and if we improve the quality of our food, water, air, etc we will not have so much disease. Yes this is most likely true, but sometimes I feel quite helpless in the face of the overwhelming facts of global warming and where do I/ can I help. I do believe that it is the individual that creates change. I have been revisiting the teachings of Pogacnik and came across this bit, which I would like to share.

This is a passage from his book which I found inspiring, a little different and immediately accessible:

If more and more people find inner peace and attunement with their true Selves, the resulting healing energy will necessarily have an effect on planetary life systems. Earth-healing processes are stimulated even if nothing specific has been undertaken in this respect. This feedback process, which is based on the law of macro-microcosmic resonance, is the reason I am convinced that embarking on a process of personal transformation is the most important contribution towards earth healing we can make. It is also the most democratic; no one can worm their way out of it by claiming ignorance of earth healing. It is simply down to the way we treat our own bodies, thoughts and emotions. None of us can escape this responsibility for all of life and, to put it the other way around, we can all contribute in our own unique way towards healing the earth.

From Healing the Heart of the Earth

Beautifully put and has quite exciting possibilities don't you think?

from the garden

Today I met a man named Raoul who opened a raw food restaurant with his wife called Green Wave.

http://www.greenwavecafe.org/

He took the time to talk to me and in that conversation I became so convinced that I have chosen not only the right path for healing but that this is truly a new and trans formative path. Also I had a delicious salad and saw possibilities of new recipes for tasty energising food. His wife gives classes in raw food preparation.

I wish you all a healthy and happy holiday season, take time and take care

Tanza

Storm

Hello friends and family,

It is time to post something of my life back in the fast lane. Storm is my constant companion and yesterday when I had a little melt down he gazed into my eyes like he knew.

Lucky me to have such a loving soft boy. ok I know I feed him on demand, but it is his main pleaseure other than sleeping. Oh how we can learn from animals!

Speaking of feeding, I am still on a vegy diet and really enjoy the challenge of varying the salads and drinks. I started sprouting. Everyone should sprout. It is so easy, so nutritious and delicious.

I continue on the cancer protocol of MMS morning and night and have added some vitiamin and mineral supplements.

As healing is not just a diet I am working on changing my lifestyle and lower the stress level which is not easy in this environment. I am still adjusting to the traffic, noise and apparent lack of human interaction in our daily lives. I am learning breathing, deep into my organs and spend more time in simple quiet between work. I have to learn how to manange my energy and still be able to do what I do which at times can be strenous and demanding.

The meltdown was just such a problem. I worked all weekend and Monday did not allow my body to recover, how easy it was to fall into old patterns of pushing myself instead of stopping and enjoying a good rest curled up in the garden like my cat!

The new pattern is emerging however, one of joy in the richness of time, of enjoying chopping and preparing holistic (whole) foods, living without rushing, listening, gardening, being.

Please continue with your prayers and healing thoughts because I am convinced that there is great power in love and faith, it is by grace we are here.

ginger

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.

suddenly God was speaking.

"My Name is I AM"

I waited.

God continued

" When you live in the past,

with its mistakes and regrets,

it is hard. I am not there.

My name is not 'I Was'

When you live in the future,

with its problems and fears,

it is hard,

I am not there

My name is not 'I Will Be'

When you live in this moment,

it is not hard.

I AM here.

My name is 'I AM'."

Love, Tanza

Step by Step

Monday Nov.9

Today I discovered Suzanne Somer's blog which I share with you here. She speaks about a chemosensitivity test. important?

I would say so!

http://www.suzannesomers.com/Blog/2009/10/default.aspx

Information is our greatest protection. My wonderful acupuncturist/Taoist friend said to me, "Tanza, you must take responsibility for your body/health"...or something like that. And of course like always, he manages to say the right thing.

That is my goal, to take responsiblility for the decisions that I make daily, hourly, in regard to my thoughts, my way of being, what I consume and how much.

I will pay attention when I need rest, listen when that little bubble of joy comes and focus on making it grow, like trying to blow a big soap bubble and it keeps popping, I will persevere until I get the biggest bubble you've ever seen!

You ask me if I am sad or afraid with the diagnosis, I would say to you that a broken heart is much more debilitating..

."who needs a heart when a heart can be broken...what's love got to do with it?"

Yet now even with all the different thoughts that are roaming around in my brain like a restless monkey, I feel my heart opening to a greater love, a deeper understanding of the ways of being, each moment an opportunity to learn, to grow, to become. We are not separate and we all suffer from these dis-eases, as the planet is suffering. Perhaps cancer is an opportunity to understand our role in shaping a clean non toxic earth, an opportunity to practice our response-ability, to listen to our inner voice and live truly.

Tuesday Nov. 10

I went to the cancer center today to pick up all the results of the tests today; one of them being the pet scan.(Positron emission tomography). I saw the pictures, quite amazing the body, the brain, the heart and there is the tumor in the shape of a heart.

(If the biologically active molecule chosen for PET is FDG, an analogue of glucose, the concentrations of tracer imaged then give tissue metabolic activity, in terms of regional glucose uptake.)(FDG, as a glucose analog, is taken up by high-glucose-using cells such as brain, kidney, and cancer cells, where phosphorylation prevents the glucose from being released again from the cell, once it has been absorbed....As a result FDG-PET can be used for diagnosis, staging, and monitoring treatment of cancers, particularly in Hodgkin's disease, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, colorectal cancer, breast cancer, melanoma, and lung cancer. It has also been approved for use in diagnosing Alzheimer's disease. )wikipedia definitions

The care here has been wonderful, extremely supportive, inexpensive and efficient. I feel very fortunate that I was able to undergo all these tests and now have all the information that I need. Step by step.

the unfolding story

54th birthday

I have had overwhelming response to my first post, and I must say that I hesitated to start this because of,

1.} don't want to make a fuss

2} kinda scared of the outcome

3} maybe I am just filling peoples' inbox with too much...

4} blablabla excuses etc.

In review, this is the drama as it unfolded. I met an angel named Martine Vaugel (a brilliant sculptor) who convinced me to get myself checked and even became my surrogate mom, a friend, helping when I got lost in the language, and driving me to and fro.

Oct 1 the name day of St Michel (St. Michael.. I took it to be a good sign) I got the results of the biopsy, which revealed cancer cells on the neck of the cervix.

Oct 6 I had an MRI which revealed a tumor which the dr. cheerfully told us that it was good news, 4 cm and "operable"

At this point, I began juicing, raw food, I cut out meat, bread, sugar, dairy and cut down to one coffee in the morning, no alcohol.

Veggies and juice

I wrote in my journal," Here I am another day, a day of love, a day of play"

Oct 8 I got assistance from Social Services to pay for all the tests.

Oct 11 I dreamt of diseased masses of cells polished white.

Oct 18, 2009 a Sunday a full moon birthday I began my 54th year .

In this last year, I saw my father go to the other side, I healed a broken wrist and a broken relationship, finished eight months study with Ted Jacobs, began study with Gundula Jacobs, learned a hell of a lot about a lot of things, as well as landscape painting, rounding and endings, no sharp edges, look more, compare constantly, don't trust your first assumptions... was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I felt deep lonliness and found a deep love, painted a dog, a mask, a beautiful living being, and met many new loving friends.

Oct 19 I had the exploratory surgery that revealed a larger 6 cm tumor and the above definitions(first post).

Of course then the doubts set in and the depression as the name of the disease danced around in my head, doctors being very convincing about the need for chemo, radio etc

By Monday I felt stronger and more certain that I have chosen the right path, I cannot afford doubts or emotional dramas/conflicts. I am feeling quite well with my new diet and after two weeks I added some quinoa and millet because the weather here is so cold.

Started on MMS and got some Lysine and proline. I substituted chicory for half the coffee to wean myself. I actually like the taste of chicory and it is good for you.

I am feeling joyous and have a lot of faith in the process. Each day becomes precious and learning to truly care for myself and honor my body in it's temporary form. It has become a work in process. I am learning as I go. I found a few references of other women who chose to go the health route, who are happy and committed to a bright life. I found many many sites about chemo and pain and sadness.

So that is my story up until this Tuesday when I had what I consider to be my last test, a PET scan , the purpose being to see if there was infected ganglia and today I heard that there is none, the tumor has not metasticized, so good news.

Thanks for all the support!