Humlegaarden

Here it is the first week of September. I have been four weeks at Humlgaarden on the Baltic Sea. I am told we are very lucky that the weather has been calm and fair. Mornings, Amy and I walk to the sea and marvel at the hardiness of the Danish who come for an early morning dip.

Nearby is an ancient site full of energy in a woods guarded by old oaks and elms.

The clinic consists of a ring of apt/cottages and

a grassy lawn, well kept gardens, and a giant oak around the main building.

In the main buiding is the dining hall where we have three lovely vegetarian meals a day, a drawing room filled with eclectic art, antique furniture, a piano and a standing bass.

Dr Finn, often gives a lecture there in the evening on some for the therapies and their discovery.

Other small rooms are used for therapies which I won't discuss here as you can peruse their website if you are interested. http://www.humlegaarden.com/uk/index.html

As far as my health, After x rays and a ct scan it was decided that I needed radiation. . One afternoon they came a whisked us away to the hospital in Copenhagen and I met with an oncologist who ordered an MRI. Next thing we knew I was talking to the spine surgeon about emergency surgery or the result would be paralysis.

I was treated with decompression and instrumental fusion which basically means they cut me open from the L1 to TH11(that's a big scar!) Bye bye flexibility. I am learning a new kind of flexibility, letting go, grateful that I can walk.

After the first day post op, I did manage to get up and after five days in the hospital I was back at Humlegaarden with crutches, hobbling back and forth to the sea.

Today is the tenth day and the sutures have been removed and I am walking slowly on my own again.

Amy has been my constant companion and a joy to be with. She holds me up when I fall into the darkness, never judging, just gently there, her beautiful smile ready. She has helped me with vitamins, meds, carried my plates, endured many sleepless nights as I tossed in pain.

What more to say? We are waiting to get post op radiotherapy and I am patiently healing, making small exercises and therapies.

Each day is a challenge, I am doing some light and color therapy with music, resting in the sun when it is warm, reading, being still, sometimes I try to sketch. I think about the preciousness of life and how I stood on the threshold , but the door was closed and I have been given the gift of a new life. I think about painting and how new and wonderful that felt to me, laying a pallette, poster studies, painting light.

I don't know what will be and as Amy says, "One breath at a time..."

This I leave you with and an incredible emotion of love and gratefulness to the angels that have made this possible for me, for the prayers and emails of support, and the love and light that fuses the air around me because of all of you.

Blessings, Tanza

River of Tears and a Veil of Light

After a diagnostic test, a day in the hospital, I have news that the tumor has spread to the bladder and is now stage IV.

I have been in quite a lot of pain due to the kidneys and am getting weaker. Each moment and each silly little thing in my life suddenly shines out; a teapot, a piece of clothing, how the light dances on the water and reflects in the leaves of the trees like so many fairies. How precious is the human life and how sweet its foibles.

Last night when I returned to my lovely home, I cried a river of tears. I cried for myself, for the unbearable pain, I cried for the knowledge that this body is breaking down, for my attachment to Mother Earth, for the sadness I am causing, for not understanding this disease and I am trying to embrace all the tears as deep love.

Like so many times when one is without hope and in the darkness, a light shines dimly through the fog of despair. A wonderful lady, an angel offered financial help. I am now in a clinic in Denmark called Humlegaarden ( http://www.humlegaarden.com/)

where I am receiving daily care and treatments. It is a five minute walk from the Baltic sea where the water is clear, small summer cottages line the road and sailboats grace the horizon.

More on this wonderful place in the next post.

Love to all and thank you for your prayers and loving energy!

Tanza

The Dance of Life

fresh raspberries in the morning,

a bouquet of roses and lavender from the garden,

the bright sun of mid summer

the source of all life

Rumours are circulating that the dance is nearly over...and yes I stood on the threshold but I am still here learning, living every day.

Paul arrived last week at a particularly difficult time for me and gracefully and generously (yes even Paul can be graceful)stepped into the role of caregiver for a week as I recovered, feeding me, making juices and lovely fruit dishes.

My roses are blooming deep pink after an exciting thunderstorm that touched our little village.

Morning sunrises wake me and I walk along the river, surprised by the myriad of lifeforms. One morning I startled a blue heron, today I am amazed by the varieties of butterflies and moths on the purple thistle.

Thank you for all your prayers and support.

"...The physical form is but a tiny condensation of a much greater form...

As our cells are part of a greater whole, the body, so are we the cells with in a greater body, the Earth. She in turn is but a cell within the greater whole."

GOD I AM

No fears, just joy, joy of living the la vita bella, le beau vie. Please dance for me and remember the origin of all things is love. Where we go, what we do is not as important as how we be.

BE simply present and enjoy!

Enjoy walking the grass barefoot, singing loudly in the car, laughing with friends. It IS all so simple. Life isn't meant to be complicated, we make it so.

I LOVE YOU Always and Forever,

Tanza

Laughter

Speaking with my sister, Amy after a couple of particularly challenging days, she came up with this:

"So.... instead of a prayer circle, what you need is a laughter circle :) All the people who love you, holding you in their hearts with joy..."

After seven years of clowning in the hospital I know how healing laughter and lightness can be. Therefore my new idea is to collect funny stuff from you via internet, via mail, via telephone or just remember me with dance in your soul and laughter in your hearts. As one of my said tasks in all this is to ask for help, I appeal to you dear friends and family to take a moment to send something funny, silly, loving laughter. I actually feel absurd asking this and am smiling as I write.

I send it back to you

Tanza

My address :

31 rue St Georges

79150 Argenton les Valleés

FR

Summer Solstice

With the summer solstice comes a desire for contact with you via a new post.

I am back at la maison hirondelle in France, living quietly and stepping lightly. I have felt some discouragement as by now I had hoped that I would be heralding good tidings.

I thank you for all the loving support I received after my last post, I felt the energy and believe that through this network of love we can and will heal. The possibilities are unlimited if we step out of our boundaries a little, let go of the small stuff, and recognise the divine. That said, I am still in battle for my health. My body is fortunately very strong and I wake up every morning to the birdsong and light of day with the knowledge that I have been given a gift.

I am meeting with healers and doing a lot of inner work as well as continuing on a diet of whole foods.

I find one of the lessons I must learn is to ask for help. No one knows what I am going through and my stubborn independence is not helpful in a state of ill health. My neighbor has had her own battle with cancer and has been extremely helpful in this. She asked me to knock and ask for any help I might need. Why I find this difficult I don't know.

SO what remains to be said? that whatever happens it is for the best and I am thankful for this opportunity to learn, to explore, to understand my own emotions and how they affect and contribute to my state of well being. Therein lies the choice of viewing illness, pain, sad life events as bad and moan and complain about one's lot in life, or to move forward in loving, trusting, accepting, believing that the result is not as important as the process.

I close with a quote from Albert Einstein

"Nothing is inherently bad or good . Value is how we represent it to ourselves."

sunset from my window

PS I will send a new post of my work and the new studio space soon if you are interested.

www.la-maison-hirondelle.blogspot.com

Love and Light

Tanza

A request for Unity

I had an idea this morning after reading a book called Jungle Medicine by Connie Graud.

She is referring to the many tribal folk who came to see her, and check on her when she was healing. I quote:

" It dawned on me how, in a tribal society, the health of each member was of great importance, as each one contributed something of essential value. An unwell mother couldn't cook for her family. Injury to a hunter could mean insufficient meat for the group. If the shaman were incapacitated, there was no tribal doctor to deal with medical emergencies, and so on.

Back home when I was ill or injured, I took a pill, applied some kind of medication, put on a bandage and went back to work. And no one cared much one way or the other. Feeling this group care and support made me realise what a deprivation it s absence in modern culture truly is."

Now I know that everyone I send this to has their own health/emotional issues, but perhaps if we can by Internet (which is our tribal way of communication these days) reach out and ask for support it can be very easy.

What my request is simply this; that on Monday EST at noon you give me a minute or two of loving support, however you believe, prayer, good vibes, healing energy,etc. Focus on the pelvic

region of my body, but include the entire physical vehicle as I would like to occupy it for a few more years, paint, dance and send my thoughts to you.

It has been a learning experience to ask for help over these long months, but in the last few weeks, it has been pouring in, meeting old and dear friends, unconditional support from my longtime partner, financial gifts, and the never tiring support of my beautiful dancer/garden fairy who called me morning a and night. Weekly visits to the White Crane Healing Arts have been support and stability this winter of change.

What is receiving but giving the gift of gratitude and feeling overwhelming awe at the power of unity between beings?

This week I received the shock of losing someone near and dear who I will never see again on this plane, but she remains in my heart and soul as we are truly connected by light. I am reminded of the lyrics " Every time you go away, you take a little piece of me" I feel that a little piece of me goes with her on her journey.

In that I say, make each hour of your relationships count. Reach out even if you don't feel like it. When I was in the deepest darkness, I crawled inside myself and indulged in sadness and despair. We need to establish a unity as family, as people to heal ourselves and the planet. We cannot afford to whine and wallow. Precious is the love you share, deepen it, don't feel that others don't want to help because they do!! I say this as much for me as for anyone who cares to listen.

SO if you remember and a have the inclination, think of me Monday 12 noon EST

I think that is 9am PST, 6 pm in France, 7 am in Hawaii, 6 am Thailand. If I err, well, sort it out on your end and we do what we can.

we can. It will be like a group hug.

Blessings and many thanks

Tanza

The Invincible Warrior

Brilliance

" The very gradualness of the development makes it necessary to have perseverance-for perseverance alone prevents slow progress from dwindling into nothing." I Ching

It has been a long while since I posted, mainly because I just haven't felt like it. I am still here and wake every morning with gratefulness for the sun and my hungry cat!

I am getting stronger after a bout with weakness perhaps caused by the extremes of the vegan diet or perhaps simply by my inability to manage to feed myself enough. I did some blood tests with a biochemist and he recommended some supplements and to add more fats to my diet. From there I found an organisation called Westin Price http://www.westonaprice.org/. I got in touch with some folks locally who sell free range/ grass fed meat, eggs, raw milk and cheese as well as being well informed and friendly.

Raw milk is not legally sold for human consumption in the US so it is "for pet use only". Well my cat will not drink pasteurised milk but he practically crawls into the refrigerator for the thick creamy fresh milk!

I found that chickens are not naturally grain eaters, they prefer insects and grasses and that when it says' free range' on the box of eggs, it is possible that the chickens have a small space outside of the pen.

I will not go into more because if you are interested, I suggest that you peruse the website, find a local group near you and educate yourself! We have gotten so far from what is natural. Especially if you have children, look into this.

The biochemist, also a wonderful person said that I must become an Invincible Warrior, hence the title if the blog. What does this suggest to me?

Don't give up, lots of deep breathing, remember to love and love some more.

rely on friends and family and accept help

arm against unnecessary emotions and depressions

go onto the battlefield prepared and strong; good food, supplements, positive thinking, meditations, visualisations, thankfulness

believe that the path is clear and trust in spiritual guidance

All for now. Love and Blessings, Tanza