Love is the Most Powerful Force

center of tulip


I want to take some time here to say Thank You for life, for love, for friendship and for being with all the wonderful people in my life.  In this final blog I have come to say goodbye.


Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my Soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my Soul to take.

If I should live for other days, 

I pray the Lord to guide my ways.


May the Force Be With You.

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A note from Amy, Tanza's sister:
On Thursday, June 2nd, just after 2:00pm pacific time Tanza Lorraine, aka Lori Smith left her body here on earth and flew free - on to her next adventure.  Always the dancer and the artist, she was beautiful to the end.  She left with a smile on her face, and love in her heart.  

Tanza wrote this post a couple of weeks before her death, and asked me to post it here when it was time.  She said that if there is anything she would leave you with it is this:  

That love is the most powerful force, and it is the reason that we are here. 
Love each other, Love this earth, Love Life. 

~ many blessings ~

Living in Hospice and the Right to Die with Dignity

 Olympic Mountain Range

Hello to all of you who have followed my journey. It is only fair to keep you abreast of my feelings, thoughts and the possibilties as my spirit begins to soar, and I can walk through that door, filled with your love and hopefully acceptance of the choice I have made.
First of all Washington state has put a law in place that allows a terminally ill person the right to choose his own death.
 http://www.compassionandchoices.org/page.aspx?pid=308
This brings hope and solace to those of us living in hospice. I have been so blessed, surrounded by love and living energy. I have watched my body deteriorate, felt the increase of pain and the loss of bone mass. I am losing the ability to do artwork, have lost movement in my body and the ability to travel. If any of you have felt what it is like to move ones limbs in space, dancing effortless to music and then it is gone...you know what I am talking about.Even as I share with you my recent love of life painting and drawing, and great teachers, I am watching it slip away.
However, my dream of having an artist's residence recently came true as I bought a house in a small artists' village France south of the Loire.
 {see http://www.la-maison-hirondelle.blogspot.com/}

 I named it La Maison Hirondelle after spending lovely evenings on the terrace with friends sipping a regional Rosé watching the swallows winging as the sun set. My hopes continue for this lovely light filled house as it now has a studio in the loft ripe for creative energy.

Loft

Never the spirit was born; the spirit shall cease to be never;Never was time it was not; End and Beginning are dreams!Birthless and deathless and changeless remaineth the spirit forever;Death hath not touched it at all, dead though the house of it seems.

Bhagavad Gita

Back to rainy Washington state (well we did have two full days of sun for Earth Day weekend), where I am residing, I know that this lovely space in France is being used by artists and that makes me happy.

Thanks to you who made this possible!!

For myself,I have been occupying my time with some meditations, doing a little ink work (ie ornamental alphabets) to steady my hand. The last painting  done was in February back in Miami as a gift for a friend who wanted a portrait of her cat Tiggley. I attach it here.

 

Tiggly

Happy Easter ! 
I wish you all the peace and promise of rebirth, of love ,
 the spirit of hope and legacy of creativity.


Tanza

Arrival

Arrival to the Pacific Northwest  brought many welcome and unwelcome changes. Transitions are not only physical but mental, emotional as well.

Linda's smile

A few days after enjoying a welcome from my sister and niece who have provided us with a lovely place to stay, I was admitted to the hospital again...X rays and cat scan revealed more weakness in the the vertebraes including damage to the lumbar region. I began a ten day series of radiation  to ease the severe pain I was undergoing. We also changed the medication from old man Morpheus to methadone. after some deliberation and thought, we decided Hospice will be the best route to go, and Saturday 12 March, I was discharged from the hospital and a  small sturdy hospital bed was delivered to the house as well as a rolling side table.
Ah to smell the fresh Evergreens and see the tall trees as a fire crackles in the fireplace is quite a blessing after being cooped up in the hospital!
Hospice will allow us home care, with a weekly/ biweekly visit from a nurse, help with other needs, emergency services as well as possibly volunteers to help out down the road as things progress. My family is very supportive in my cocoon state of vulnerability.

The sun is yes, occasionally showing her face, small tubulars are popping up, daffodils. crocuses, big fat robins exploring the cold earth for food as we change the clocks and prepare for the Spring solstice. Yesterday evening we saw a double rainbow followed by the  beautiful waxing moon. There is such beauty in our lives; physical, mental and emotional if we take a moment to look thorough the tears and pain. Take a moment!
I love hearing from you all and if there is an update I missed that you might be interested in ie Hospice, let me know.

All my love

Tanza

The journey continues

Sunday Feb 13, we had a Valentine's Brunch with many lovely friends; a sort of send off and celebration of love. Feb 14 Monday, Volvo loaded we set out for the great wide west.

Today is day six of our travels across the USA. It has been so long since I have seen this country. For many years (I hate to admit how many perhaps 20?), my travels have been uniquely in Europe so that I am often surprised to hear English spoken on this trip!

At one rest stop we discovered as passenger as a little gecko crawled out of my bag. Carefully releasing her I hope she finds a new home.

So far we have traveled through seven states. The long drive out of Florida through the panhandle onto Hwy 10 took us across Alabama, Louisiana, into Texas, another long vast stretch of endless land and big skies. The weather stayed clear with cold mornings cool even warm afternoons! Physically I am doing ok thanks to Amy's care (She carries the luggage which includes a small kitchen)and all your prayers and financial help. We rise early and drive through the morning and afternoon, then stop to rest at an all American motel.
We cut up to Hwy 40 into Oklahoma and yes, again Texas to New Mexico where we encountered the most beautiful land which seemed to stretch into infinity. Sunrise was aa brilliant show of color and light, flames rising over the roadside truck stop.

(Photos are by Amy)

As the color faded in the east, a big full moon dripped out of the western clouds. What an amazing morning. (Amy has a full file of photos as the colors faded into day! Check out her blog, A Yoga Year, www.yogaasyouare.wordpress.com)

Add caption

                                                           

full moon morning

New Mexico hosts the Petrified  Forest National Park in Holbrook. We took a 28 mile detour through the park to admire the painted desert. My first reaction was absolute awe at nature's fine art. Vast "Badlands" of forms, shapes, changing colors and patterns as the weather varied. Photos and descriptions cannot possibly do it justice and I am thankful for the opportunity to have seen and experienced them.

                                                                   

Badlands

 

     Painted Desert 

We heard that there would be 16 inches of snow in Flagstaff, AZ which is at a high elevation. We sensibly planned to be past it before the storm hit. Whoops! The snow came fast and furious and my Florida car was not happy. Luckily we were close to an exit, and thanks to Amy's heroic driving in zero visability and slick unplowed roads, we made it to a motel. Overshooting the parking lot by a few feet, the father of a cheerful family building snowmen oblivious to my terror(!) pushed us the last few feet into a parking space and here we decided to stay until the storm passes. By tomorrow, Monday we should be back on the road with the ultimate idea of heading up the California coast and avoiding any more snowy clashes with mother nature.

Snow in Arizona

I hope you enjoyed the update. Love and light as we all travel our individual journeys and paths.

Tanza

CHANGES/ CHOICES

The Garden

After over three months in this apartment, I will be moving across country to Olympia Washington in the Pacific Northwest accompanied by my sister, where I will be close to other family members who have offered their loving care.

Change like this can be frightening, moving away from familiar places and dear friends. I have been guided through this journey, carried by so many loving people and the spirit of giving. This new choice to move is also a gift offered to me by my family, however shaky it feels.

The mind thinks  

That any change 

Is painful.  

The heart feels 

That any change 

Is powerful.

Sri Chinmoy

How do I say thank you to all the people surrounding me who care so deeply to be able and willing to carry my weight at times when I have fallen. Thank you from the depth of my heart!

I have stopped treatments for now to gain weight and strength for the move. We have scheduled an appointment with an oncologist after we arrive for the first of March.

I have slowly been giving away stuff, lightening my load little by little, observing many years of photos, journals, and work history, carrying me to the present moment,  packing art supplies, computer and clothes. (It will be quite a climate change!)

Well as some of you know, February brings my favorite holiday, Valentine's Day, the celebration of Amore... Love pure and simple.

I wish you all Love,with a capital ' L'. Celebrate life! It is so easy to rest in our problems and anxieties, believe me I know! 

 I have seen a kind and gentle psychologist who reminded me of my meditation practice... and as difficult as I am finding  it in my self absorption, I have begun quiet sitting. He also reminded me of how fortunate I am to have you all supporting me. All through various means; food such as fresh soups and 'magic mandelbread', for shopping for me, and for all the long distance communication, in essence for encouraging and uplifting my spirit..

I also met with my dear friends at White Crane Healing Arts for acupuncture, knowledge, the practice of  breathing, and lots of healing energy.

I am and will be with you all in spirit

Blessings, Love and Light

Tanza

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

Never say never

01/10/11

When I began this journey, I was convinced I would never do chemo or radiation, and yes, that is exactly where this road has led. I ask no questions at this point and have no answers. I am asked many... How do you bear it? How do you do it? How can you be so brave? I do, bear, and be none of the above. I live day to day even hour by hour wondering why I am still here in this body that is so achingly frail. Perhaps a strong mind? I don't know. Many nights I cry and ask these very questions.

Look around, we are creators. We have an incredible ability to make our world one of kindness, faith and beauty. I love the flowers in my garden, the paintings and art. I love the ocean, flying (OH did I neglect to mention that today I went up with my friend in his small aircraft, and we flew down to the keys and back in under two hours!!!!) What a nice diversion!

MIAMI from the air

Diversions are helpful, visitors welcome. I began a small painting project which I hope to be able to continue this week in spite of the treatments... 

 The stints were changed last week to shorter and narrower tubes so there is less pressure on the nerves. I can leave them in six months before they must be changed.

Tomorrow I begin a second round of chemo therapy. I stay one day in the office with the kind nurses for hydration and a chemo drip. Then I am given a small pump in a fanny pack which I carry with me Wed-Fri  that continues feeding the poison to my body. Maybe I can visualise the poison as light and healing power??

My sister Amy is arriving tonight to care for me during this difficult time for which I am extremely grateful. I am receiving a lot of support, love and prayers from my sisters, blood and otherwise and  to you dear ladies I send my LOVE and GRATITUDE.

In the end it is the soul's choice when to travel on, 

 the spirit never ages, never dies. 

Still here, Tanza

Never the spirit was born; the spirit shall cease to be never; Never was time it was not; End and Beginning are dreams! Birthless and deathless and changeless remaineth the spirit forever; 

Death hath not touched it at all, dead though the house of it seems.

Bhagavad Gita

Happy New Year!

1-1-11

I am established in my new apartment, the weather is warm, and I am aided by many wonderful friends. I can rest here after the chemo therapy which made me very sick.
This week I hope to replace the stints.( Oct 21 blog) It is possible that some of the pain is coming from the wrong size which presses on the nerves. We are looking at Wednesday. It is a one day outpatient surgery as the procedure itself only takes under ten minutes. So keep me in your thoughts this week that it is possible to decrease the pain.

"I'm  afraid," she said.

"Of what?" came the reply.

"Of going", she said.

"Then stay."returned the voice.

I'm  afraid," she said

"Of what?" came the reply.

"Of staying," she replied.

"Then go."

A Blessed New Year without Fear

Lots of love,

Tanza

Happy Sostice

Melancholy musing

the days go by

i cease to cry

the loss of love

i fear not death but life in pain

i pray my life was not in vain

my dear ones stand beside me

i wish to be strong

to sing another song

soon i hope

UPDATE

I begin four days of chemo therapy on the Solstice and finish on Christmas Eve. I will do it outpatient and carry a small pump. 

 I send my love to all of you during this season of giving, of rebirth, and joy!

Acceptance

Sunrise at the beach

It has been a long time since I posted. Why? The treatments have weakened me physically and honestly I haven't felt like sharing. I have been fighting the pain, the lack of identity( that which we name ourselves...dancer, artist, athlete), and my dependence.

The body is only a garment. 

How many times you have changed your clothing in this life,

 yet because of this you would not say you have changed. 

Similarly when you give up this bodily dress at death you do not change. 

You are just the same, an immortal soul, a child of God.

P Yogananda

Today was my last radiation treatment and there is some regression of the tumor.  I will meet with the oncologist tomorrow to see what he suggests as the next step.

At this point I believe I have come to a place of acceptance...acceptance of what is. That includes the pain, the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to work. But with that comes a grace in the loving people who surround me, encourage me, pray for me, and nourish me. They bring with them smiles and stories and the gift of their time. I would be very selfish not to appreciate the abundance.

 There is a very good book that expresses this feeling much better than  I,

written by John Donahue called anam cara, 

or the unity of friendship that overcomes even death.

I have moved to a small apartment. My sister has been here for three weeks and has really helped me with the moving process. She spends time making nourishing soups, smoothies and juices as well as just being there for me and playing chauffeur.

My dear friend's husband bought an outdoor table and chairs and a lounge chair for the garden. There I can sit in the sun and watch the butterflies or doze. When it is warm, breakfast outdoors!
We have planted hanging pots of petunias and geraniums and a water crystal hangs reflecting the light. All in all, it is a beautiful outdoor space.

I will close the post here and wish you all my love and thanks.

 Live each day to its fullness and "don't sweat the small stuff!"

Tanza

Phoenix Rising

God is love and so is the human soul, being a spark of the same essence.

Where to begin...one week ago today, I visited a reputable oncologist on the advice of a friend. She pushed to get me an appointment as quickly as possible.

I had just returned from Europe as you know from the last post and a very painful back surgery which stabilised the decompression of my spine.

Two weeks back and my dear friend had me in the doctor's office. He gave me my options. That evening we went to the ER with his orders in hand and I found myself on the eighth floor oncology ward. Immediately a battery of tests were ordered and it literally has been nonstop. Long story short and several procedures later, I have begun radio-therapy and will continue five days a week for six weeks.

The cancer has spread to the bladder and the bones, so I have had stints placed through the kidneys to eliminate possible blockage as I undergo this therapy. The first surgery I had on Ralph's birthday and the second on mine.

As I was coming out of the recovery some good friends including clowns were there with balloons and cheer. I was quite out of it obviously, but the nurses and staff I am sure got a kick out of it. What a birthday celebration! My room is filled with lovely flowers and cards and every day my dear friends bring me good food as they know I reject the hospital trays. I am so blessed to have so many caring folks around me and if you are reading this you know how much I love you even if in my pain and sadness it doesn't always show.

Tomorrow I hope to be discharged...I will continue treatments as an outpatient. Although it has only been a week, it feels like months. I miss the sound of the birds and smells of my garden. Tonight there is a beautiful glowing pink sunset from my penthouse window to remind me that I made it through another day.

What now? I can't answer that question. One moment at a time. Thoughts and ways of being in life have shifted to another level. Simplicity, managing pain, trying to walk, to breathe, to be in a world that no longer carries the endless possibilities of dance and work. I can only trust in the universe that sustains us all and carry the faith that I have been given more time in this broken body for a reason. My love and inner knowledge that our life flows beyond this frail frame is boundless in spite of the pain and doubts and tears I have experienced in the past week.

A Muslim Saint says:

God created an embodiment of love.

For His glorification, His angels were quite enough.

To Guide the Way

Lighthouse in the morning

Amy and I will finally depart from Humlegaarden tomorrow, Monday 13 Sept. We fly to Paris and then take the train back to Argenton. We are both anxious for change , gudied by the light of unknowing.

We walk each day along the sea, I have been on the stationary bike 5K, and do some simple movement exercise. Mobility is limited front and back and lateral, but I able to pick up after myself again, carry dishes and little by litte the pain is easing. I will be able to do real therpy after three months, so I am looking at December for that.

I have learned how to give myself injections of helixor/iscador ( mistletoe) and other homeopathic tinctures for the immune system. I will be continuing this and vitamins and other treatments when I leave.

As the sun comes out after the rain, sparkling in the trees and dripping from the grand oak, I step out into the light of a new life. I don't know what the furture holds and I am learning to live quietly in the present, listening to the silent spaces in my body and in the environment around me. I have had to learn to accept the change in my body and I will admit I did not do it gracefully, but with many tears and restless questioning.

I am grateful for the healing time here, for the amazing generosity of the women that made it financially possible, as I have been given a gift of more time on the planet.

As I said, we will be traveling today, and Amy, as always will help me with luggage, packing and organising the journey.

PS Amy's latest post is a fun overview of where we have been staying. If you are interested:http://southofsabai.wordpress.com/2010/09/12/excursions-and-sightings/

Thank you for all your support.

Love and light

Tanza

Humlegaarden

Here it is the first week of September. I have been four weeks at Humlgaarden on the Baltic Sea. I am told we are very lucky that the weather has been calm and fair. Mornings, Amy and I walk to the sea and marvel at the hardiness of the Danish who come for an early morning dip.

Nearby is an ancient site full of energy in a woods guarded by old oaks and elms.

The clinic consists of a ring of apt/cottages and

a grassy lawn, well kept gardens, and a giant oak around the main building.

In the main buiding is the dining hall where we have three lovely vegetarian meals a day, a drawing room filled with eclectic art, antique furniture, a piano and a standing bass.

Dr Finn, often gives a lecture there in the evening on some for the therapies and their discovery.

Other small rooms are used for therapies which I won't discuss here as you can peruse their website if you are interested. http://www.humlegaarden.com/uk/index.html

As far as my health, After x rays and a ct scan it was decided that I needed radiation. . One afternoon they came a whisked us away to the hospital in Copenhagen and I met with an oncologist who ordered an MRI. Next thing we knew I was talking to the spine surgeon about emergency surgery or the result would be paralysis.

I was treated with decompression and instrumental fusion which basically means they cut me open from the L1 to TH11(that's a big scar!) Bye bye flexibility. I am learning a new kind of flexibility, letting go, grateful that I can walk.

After the first day post op, I did manage to get up and after five days in the hospital I was back at Humlegaarden with crutches, hobbling back and forth to the sea.

Today is the tenth day and the sutures have been removed and I am walking slowly on my own again.

Amy has been my constant companion and a joy to be with. She holds me up when I fall into the darkness, never judging, just gently there, her beautiful smile ready. She has helped me with vitamins, meds, carried my plates, endured many sleepless nights as I tossed in pain.

What more to say? We are waiting to get post op radiotherapy and I am patiently healing, making small exercises and therapies.

Each day is a challenge, I am doing some light and color therapy with music, resting in the sun when it is warm, reading, being still, sometimes I try to sketch. I think about the preciousness of life and how I stood on the threshold , but the door was closed and I have been given the gift of a new life. I think about painting and how new and wonderful that felt to me, laying a pallette, poster studies, painting light.

I don't know what will be and as Amy says, "One breath at a time..."

This I leave you with and an incredible emotion of love and gratefulness to the angels that have made this possible for me, for the prayers and emails of support, and the love and light that fuses the air around me because of all of you.

Blessings, Tanza

River of Tears and a Veil of Light

After a diagnostic test, a day in the hospital, I have news that the tumor has spread to the bladder and is now stage IV.

I have been in quite a lot of pain due to the kidneys and am getting weaker. Each moment and each silly little thing in my life suddenly shines out; a teapot, a piece of clothing, how the light dances on the water and reflects in the leaves of the trees like so many fairies. How precious is the human life and how sweet its foibles.

Last night when I returned to my lovely home, I cried a river of tears. I cried for myself, for the unbearable pain, I cried for the knowledge that this body is breaking down, for my attachment to Mother Earth, for the sadness I am causing, for not understanding this disease and I am trying to embrace all the tears as deep love.

Like so many times when one is without hope and in the darkness, a light shines dimly through the fog of despair. A wonderful lady, an angel offered financial help. I am now in a clinic in Denmark called Humlegaarden ( http://www.humlegaarden.com/)

where I am receiving daily care and treatments. It is a five minute walk from the Baltic sea where the water is clear, small summer cottages line the road and sailboats grace the horizon.

More on this wonderful place in the next post.

Love to all and thank you for your prayers and loving energy!

Tanza

The Dance of Life

fresh raspberries in the morning,

a bouquet of roses and lavender from the garden,

the bright sun of mid summer

the source of all life

Rumours are circulating that the dance is nearly over...and yes I stood on the threshold but I am still here learning, living every day.

Paul arrived last week at a particularly difficult time for me and gracefully and generously (yes even Paul can be graceful)stepped into the role of caregiver for a week as I recovered, feeding me, making juices and lovely fruit dishes.

My roses are blooming deep pink after an exciting thunderstorm that touched our little village.

Morning sunrises wake me and I walk along the river, surprised by the myriad of lifeforms. One morning I startled a blue heron, today I am amazed by the varieties of butterflies and moths on the purple thistle.

Thank you for all your prayers and support.

"...The physical form is but a tiny condensation of a much greater form...

As our cells are part of a greater whole, the body, so are we the cells with in a greater body, the Earth. She in turn is but a cell within the greater whole."

GOD I AM

No fears, just joy, joy of living the la vita bella, le beau vie. Please dance for me and remember the origin of all things is love. Where we go, what we do is not as important as how we be.

BE simply present and enjoy!

Enjoy walking the grass barefoot, singing loudly in the car, laughing with friends. It IS all so simple. Life isn't meant to be complicated, we make it so.

I LOVE YOU Always and Forever,

Tanza

Laughter

Speaking with my sister, Amy after a couple of particularly challenging days, she came up with this:

"So.... instead of a prayer circle, what you need is a laughter circle :) All the people who love you, holding you in their hearts with joy..."

After seven years of clowning in the hospital I know how healing laughter and lightness can be. Therefore my new idea is to collect funny stuff from you via internet, via mail, via telephone or just remember me with dance in your soul and laughter in your hearts. As one of my said tasks in all this is to ask for help, I appeal to you dear friends and family to take a moment to send something funny, silly, loving laughter. I actually feel absurd asking this and am smiling as I write.

I send it back to you

Tanza

My address :

31 rue St Georges

79150 Argenton les Valleés

FR

Summer Solstice

With the summer solstice comes a desire for contact with you via a new post.

I am back at la maison hirondelle in France, living quietly and stepping lightly. I have felt some discouragement as by now I had hoped that I would be heralding good tidings.

I thank you for all the loving support I received after my last post, I felt the energy and believe that through this network of love we can and will heal. The possibilities are unlimited if we step out of our boundaries a little, let go of the small stuff, and recognise the divine. That said, I am still in battle for my health. My body is fortunately very strong and I wake up every morning to the birdsong and light of day with the knowledge that I have been given a gift.

I am meeting with healers and doing a lot of inner work as well as continuing on a diet of whole foods.

I find one of the lessons I must learn is to ask for help. No one knows what I am going through and my stubborn independence is not helpful in a state of ill health. My neighbor has had her own battle with cancer and has been extremely helpful in this. She asked me to knock and ask for any help I might need. Why I find this difficult I don't know.

SO what remains to be said? that whatever happens it is for the best and I am thankful for this opportunity to learn, to explore, to understand my own emotions and how they affect and contribute to my state of well being. Therein lies the choice of viewing illness, pain, sad life events as bad and moan and complain about one's lot in life, or to move forward in loving, trusting, accepting, believing that the result is not as important as the process.

I close with a quote from Albert Einstein

"Nothing is inherently bad or good . Value is how we represent it to ourselves."

sunset from my window

PS I will send a new post of my work and the new studio space soon if you are interested.

www.la-maison-hirondelle.blogspot.com

Love and Light

Tanza

A request for Unity

I had an idea this morning after reading a book called Jungle Medicine by Connie Graud.

She is referring to the many tribal folk who came to see her, and check on her when she was healing. I quote:

" It dawned on me how, in a tribal society, the health of each member was of great importance, as each one contributed something of essential value. An unwell mother couldn't cook for her family. Injury to a hunter could mean insufficient meat for the group. If the shaman were incapacitated, there was no tribal doctor to deal with medical emergencies, and so on.

Back home when I was ill or injured, I took a pill, applied some kind of medication, put on a bandage and went back to work. And no one cared much one way or the other. Feeling this group care and support made me realise what a deprivation it s absence in modern culture truly is."

Now I know that everyone I send this to has their own health/emotional issues, but perhaps if we can by Internet (which is our tribal way of communication these days) reach out and ask for support it can be very easy.

What my request is simply this; that on Monday EST at noon you give me a minute or two of loving support, however you believe, prayer, good vibes, healing energy,etc. Focus on the pelvic

region of my body, but include the entire physical vehicle as I would like to occupy it for a few more years, paint, dance and send my thoughts to you.

It has been a learning experience to ask for help over these long months, but in the last few weeks, it has been pouring in, meeting old and dear friends, unconditional support from my longtime partner, financial gifts, and the never tiring support of my beautiful dancer/garden fairy who called me morning a and night. Weekly visits to the White Crane Healing Arts have been support and stability this winter of change.

What is receiving but giving the gift of gratitude and feeling overwhelming awe at the power of unity between beings?

This week I received the shock of losing someone near and dear who I will never see again on this plane, but she remains in my heart and soul as we are truly connected by light. I am reminded of the lyrics " Every time you go away, you take a little piece of me" I feel that a little piece of me goes with her on her journey.

In that I say, make each hour of your relationships count. Reach out even if you don't feel like it. When I was in the deepest darkness, I crawled inside myself and indulged in sadness and despair. We need to establish a unity as family, as people to heal ourselves and the planet. We cannot afford to whine and wallow. Precious is the love you share, deepen it, don't feel that others don't want to help because they do!! I say this as much for me as for anyone who cares to listen.

SO if you remember and a have the inclination, think of me Monday 12 noon EST

I think that is 9am PST, 6 pm in France, 7 am in Hawaii, 6 am Thailand. If I err, well, sort it out on your end and we do what we can.

we can. It will be like a group hug.

Blessings and many thanks

Tanza

The Invincible Warrior

Brilliance

" The very gradualness of the development makes it necessary to have perseverance-for perseverance alone prevents slow progress from dwindling into nothing." I Ching

It has been a long while since I posted, mainly because I just haven't felt like it. I am still here and wake every morning with gratefulness for the sun and my hungry cat!

I am getting stronger after a bout with weakness perhaps caused by the extremes of the vegan diet or perhaps simply by my inability to manage to feed myself enough. I did some blood tests with a biochemist and he recommended some supplements and to add more fats to my diet. From there I found an organisation called Westin Price http://www.westonaprice.org/. I got in touch with some folks locally who sell free range/ grass fed meat, eggs, raw milk and cheese as well as being well informed and friendly.

Raw milk is not legally sold for human consumption in the US so it is "for pet use only". Well my cat will not drink pasteurised milk but he practically crawls into the refrigerator for the thick creamy fresh milk!

I found that chickens are not naturally grain eaters, they prefer insects and grasses and that when it says' free range' on the box of eggs, it is possible that the chickens have a small space outside of the pen.

I will not go into more because if you are interested, I suggest that you peruse the website, find a local group near you and educate yourself! We have gotten so far from what is natural. Especially if you have children, look into this.

The biochemist, also a wonderful person said that I must become an Invincible Warrior, hence the title if the blog. What does this suggest to me?

Don't give up, lots of deep breathing, remember to love and love some more.

rely on friends and family and accept help

arm against unnecessary emotions and depressions

go onto the battlefield prepared and strong; good food, supplements, positive thinking, meditations, visualisations, thankfulness

believe that the path is clear and trust in spiritual guidance

All for now. Love and Blessings, Tanza

Vernal Equinox 2010 Detox III

Happy Spring! I am so grateful for the sun. Today I actually got out into the garden and weeded and potted some basil. The sun was warm and the breeze cool, I believe that spring is finally here!

What a cold winter it has been.

I had an eventful week last week in that I met with a wonderful woman Jill Ayn Schneider www.circle-of-life.net She has been an inspiration for me from the beginning of my diagnosis, sand this was the first time I had the opportunity to visit with her.

I had my second meeting with Dr. Morse in Port Charlotte, who suggested it is time for a 10 - day detox fast. I began Thursday with fresh grapes, grape juice and teas. He calls it the "top of the mountain" detox, fast. These last three days I have been sipping a home squeezed-lemonade as well as taking the herbs and supplements. Sunday I will add more fruits and little by little reintroduce veggies. It is not so easy for me to write this as it has been quite difficult but has also been a great learning experience, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I won't dwell too much on the particulars of the fast, but I do wish say thank you to those that have stayed beside me in my little yin world that I have wrapped around me like a cloak. I am especially grateful for my dear friends at White Crane Healing Arts www.whitecranehealingarts.com for continued support, humor and guidance!

What I prefer to speak of here is the enormous grace and love that comes with being so powerless. Forced to slow down and be present, I spent the week quietly reading, watching films, breathing, listening and hanging like a cocoon in the hammock. I have had lots of contemplative time to examine my relationship with mySelf and the world around me.

It is with age that wisdom comes. How do you teach the value of taking care of one's self? I will pass along what have learned, and that is to study Nature. Processed foods and packaged products are not meant for our consumption( don't tell the marketers that!). If we insist on fresh vegetables and fruit, the supply will increase and prices will go down. That aside, eating organically in the end is cheaper...medical bills and even alternative health professionals can be more that one is able to spend. Fresh fruit and veggies can be energising. Study, read the labels, stay away from sugar and denatured foods. It can be an adventure in eating. Teach your children well. Retraining and reconditioning is important to create new eating habits, the body loves habits...make them good ones! Eat only when hungry and don't overeat. oooo

This is sounding a bit like a lecture now ......

I did say I would pass along what I have learned which is; there is so much more to health than food, happiness and acceptance living without judging trust be present LOVE listen and be still weakness can be powerful illness can be a gift detoxification is crucial and more stay tuned!

Blessings, Tanza