CHANGES/ CHOICES

The Garden

After over three months in this apartment, I will be moving across country to Olympia Washington in the Pacific Northwest accompanied by my sister, where I will be close to other family members who have offered their loving care.

Change like this can be frightening, moving away from familiar places and dear friends. I have been guided through this journey, carried by so many loving people and the spirit of giving. This new choice to move is also a gift offered to me by my family, however shaky it feels.

The mind thinks  

That any change 

Is painful.  

The heart feels 

That any change 

Is powerful.

Sri Chinmoy

How do I say thank you to all the people surrounding me who care so deeply to be able and willing to carry my weight at times when I have fallen. Thank you from the depth of my heart!

I have stopped treatments for now to gain weight and strength for the move. We have scheduled an appointment with an oncologist after we arrive for the first of March.

I have slowly been giving away stuff, lightening my load little by little, observing many years of photos, journals, and work history, carrying me to the present moment,  packing art supplies, computer and clothes. (It will be quite a climate change!)

Well as some of you know, February brings my favorite holiday, Valentine's Day, the celebration of Amore... Love pure and simple.

I wish you all Love,with a capital ' L'. Celebrate life! It is so easy to rest in our problems and anxieties, believe me I know! 

 I have seen a kind and gentle psychologist who reminded me of my meditation practice... and as difficult as I am finding  it in my self absorption, I have begun quiet sitting. He also reminded me of how fortunate I am to have you all supporting me. All through various means; food such as fresh soups and 'magic mandelbread', for shopping for me, and for all the long distance communication, in essence for encouraging and uplifting my spirit..

I also met with my dear friends at White Crane Healing Arts for acupuncture, knowledge, the practice of  breathing, and lots of healing energy.

I am and will be with you all in spirit

Blessings, Love and Light

Tanza

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

Never say never

01/10/11

When I began this journey, I was convinced I would never do chemo or radiation, and yes, that is exactly where this road has led. I ask no questions at this point and have no answers. I am asked many... How do you bear it? How do you do it? How can you be so brave? I do, bear, and be none of the above. I live day to day even hour by hour wondering why I am still here in this body that is so achingly frail. Perhaps a strong mind? I don't know. Many nights I cry and ask these very questions.

Look around, we are creators. We have an incredible ability to make our world one of kindness, faith and beauty. I love the flowers in my garden, the paintings and art. I love the ocean, flying (OH did I neglect to mention that today I went up with my friend in his small aircraft, and we flew down to the keys and back in under two hours!!!!) What a nice diversion!

MIAMI from the air

Diversions are helpful, visitors welcome. I began a small painting project which I hope to be able to continue this week in spite of the treatments... 

 The stints were changed last week to shorter and narrower tubes so there is less pressure on the nerves. I can leave them in six months before they must be changed.

Tomorrow I begin a second round of chemo therapy. I stay one day in the office with the kind nurses for hydration and a chemo drip. Then I am given a small pump in a fanny pack which I carry with me Wed-Fri  that continues feeding the poison to my body. Maybe I can visualise the poison as light and healing power??

My sister Amy is arriving tonight to care for me during this difficult time for which I am extremely grateful. I am receiving a lot of support, love and prayers from my sisters, blood and otherwise and  to you dear ladies I send my LOVE and GRATITUDE.

In the end it is the soul's choice when to travel on, 

 the spirit never ages, never dies. 

Still here, Tanza

Never the spirit was born; the spirit shall cease to be never; Never was time it was not; End and Beginning are dreams! Birthless and deathless and changeless remaineth the spirit forever; 

Death hath not touched it at all, dead though the house of it seems.

Bhagavad Gita

Happy New Year!

1-1-11

I am established in my new apartment, the weather is warm, and I am aided by many wonderful friends. I can rest here after the chemo therapy which made me very sick.
This week I hope to replace the stints.( Oct 21 blog) It is possible that some of the pain is coming from the wrong size which presses on the nerves. We are looking at Wednesday. It is a one day outpatient surgery as the procedure itself only takes under ten minutes. So keep me in your thoughts this week that it is possible to decrease the pain.

"I'm  afraid," she said.

"Of what?" came the reply.

"Of going", she said.

"Then stay."returned the voice.

I'm  afraid," she said

"Of what?" came the reply.

"Of staying," she replied.

"Then go."

A Blessed New Year without Fear

Lots of love,

Tanza

Happy Sostice

Melancholy musing

the days go by

i cease to cry

the loss of love

i fear not death but life in pain

i pray my life was not in vain

my dear ones stand beside me

i wish to be strong

to sing another song

soon i hope

UPDATE

I begin four days of chemo therapy on the Solstice and finish on Christmas Eve. I will do it outpatient and carry a small pump. 

 I send my love to all of you during this season of giving, of rebirth, and joy!

Acceptance

Sunrise at the beach

It has been a long time since I posted. Why? The treatments have weakened me physically and honestly I haven't felt like sharing. I have been fighting the pain, the lack of identity( that which we name ourselves...dancer, artist, athlete), and my dependence.

The body is only a garment. 

How many times you have changed your clothing in this life,

 yet because of this you would not say you have changed. 

Similarly when you give up this bodily dress at death you do not change. 

You are just the same, an immortal soul, a child of God.

P Yogananda

Today was my last radiation treatment and there is some regression of the tumor.  I will meet with the oncologist tomorrow to see what he suggests as the next step.

At this point I believe I have come to a place of acceptance...acceptance of what is. That includes the pain, the sleepless nights and the lack of energy to work. But with that comes a grace in the loving people who surround me, encourage me, pray for me, and nourish me. They bring with them smiles and stories and the gift of their time. I would be very selfish not to appreciate the abundance.

 There is a very good book that expresses this feeling much better than  I,

written by John Donahue called anam cara, 

or the unity of friendship that overcomes even death.

I have moved to a small apartment. My sister has been here for three weeks and has really helped me with the moving process. She spends time making nourishing soups, smoothies and juices as well as just being there for me and playing chauffeur.

My dear friend's husband bought an outdoor table and chairs and a lounge chair for the garden. There I can sit in the sun and watch the butterflies or doze. When it is warm, breakfast outdoors!
We have planted hanging pots of petunias and geraniums and a water crystal hangs reflecting the light. All in all, it is a beautiful outdoor space.

I will close the post here and wish you all my love and thanks.

 Live each day to its fullness and "don't sweat the small stuff!"

Tanza

Phoenix Rising

God is love and so is the human soul, being a spark of the same essence.

Where to begin...one week ago today, I visited a reputable oncologist on the advice of a friend. She pushed to get me an appointment as quickly as possible.

I had just returned from Europe as you know from the last post and a very painful back surgery which stabilised the decompression of my spine.

Two weeks back and my dear friend had me in the doctor's office. He gave me my options. That evening we went to the ER with his orders in hand and I found myself on the eighth floor oncology ward. Immediately a battery of tests were ordered and it literally has been nonstop. Long story short and several procedures later, I have begun radio-therapy and will continue five days a week for six weeks.

The cancer has spread to the bladder and the bones, so I have had stints placed through the kidneys to eliminate possible blockage as I undergo this therapy. The first surgery I had on Ralph's birthday and the second on mine.

As I was coming out of the recovery some good friends including clowns were there with balloons and cheer. I was quite out of it obviously, but the nurses and staff I am sure got a kick out of it. What a birthday celebration! My room is filled with lovely flowers and cards and every day my dear friends bring me good food as they know I reject the hospital trays. I am so blessed to have so many caring folks around me and if you are reading this you know how much I love you even if in my pain and sadness it doesn't always show.

Tomorrow I hope to be discharged...I will continue treatments as an outpatient. Although it has only been a week, it feels like months. I miss the sound of the birds and smells of my garden. Tonight there is a beautiful glowing pink sunset from my penthouse window to remind me that I made it through another day.

What now? I can't answer that question. One moment at a time. Thoughts and ways of being in life have shifted to another level. Simplicity, managing pain, trying to walk, to breathe, to be in a world that no longer carries the endless possibilities of dance and work. I can only trust in the universe that sustains us all and carry the faith that I have been given more time in this broken body for a reason. My love and inner knowledge that our life flows beyond this frail frame is boundless in spite of the pain and doubts and tears I have experienced in the past week.

A Muslim Saint says:

God created an embodiment of love.

For His glorification, His angels were quite enough.

To Guide the Way

Lighthouse in the morning

Amy and I will finally depart from Humlegaarden tomorrow, Monday 13 Sept. We fly to Paris and then take the train back to Argenton. We are both anxious for change , gudied by the light of unknowing.

We walk each day along the sea, I have been on the stationary bike 5K, and do some simple movement exercise. Mobility is limited front and back and lateral, but I able to pick up after myself again, carry dishes and little by litte the pain is easing. I will be able to do real therpy after three months, so I am looking at December for that.

I have learned how to give myself injections of helixor/iscador ( mistletoe) and other homeopathic tinctures for the immune system. I will be continuing this and vitamins and other treatments when I leave.

As the sun comes out after the rain, sparkling in the trees and dripping from the grand oak, I step out into the light of a new life. I don't know what the furture holds and I am learning to live quietly in the present, listening to the silent spaces in my body and in the environment around me. I have had to learn to accept the change in my body and I will admit I did not do it gracefully, but with many tears and restless questioning.

I am grateful for the healing time here, for the amazing generosity of the women that made it financially possible, as I have been given a gift of more time on the planet.

As I said, we will be traveling today, and Amy, as always will help me with luggage, packing and organising the journey.

PS Amy's latest post is a fun overview of where we have been staying. If you are interested:http://southofsabai.wordpress.com/2010/09/12/excursions-and-sightings/

Thank you for all your support.

Love and light

Tanza