Never say never

01/10/11

When I began this journey, I was convinced I would never do chemo or radiation, and yes, that is exactly where this road has led. I ask no questions at this point and have no answers. I am asked many... How do you bear it? How do you do it? How can you be so brave? I do, bear, and be none of the above. I live day to day even hour by hour wondering why I am still here in this body that is so achingly frail. Perhaps a strong mind? I don't know. Many nights I cry and ask these very questions.

Look around, we are creators. We have an incredible ability to make our world one of kindness, faith and beauty. I love the flowers in my garden, the paintings and art. I love the ocean, flying (OH did I neglect to mention that today I went up with my friend in his small aircraft, and we flew down to the keys and back in under two hours!!!!) What a nice diversion!

MIAMI from the air

Diversions are helpful, visitors welcome. I began a small painting project which I hope to be able to continue this week in spite of the treatments... 

 The stints were changed last week to shorter and narrower tubes so there is less pressure on the nerves. I can leave them in six months before they must be changed.

Tomorrow I begin a second round of chemo therapy. I stay one day in the office with the kind nurses for hydration and a chemo drip. Then I am given a small pump in a fanny pack which I carry with me Wed-Fri  that continues feeding the poison to my body. Maybe I can visualise the poison as light and healing power??

My sister Amy is arriving tonight to care for me during this difficult time for which I am extremely grateful. I am receiving a lot of support, love and prayers from my sisters, blood and otherwise and  to you dear ladies I send my LOVE and GRATITUDE.

In the end it is the soul's choice when to travel on, 

 the spirit never ages, never dies. 

Still here, Tanza

Never the spirit was born; the spirit shall cease to be never; Never was time it was not; End and Beginning are dreams! Birthless and deathless and changeless remaineth the spirit forever; 

Death hath not touched it at all, dead though the house of it seems.

Bhagavad Gita

Happy New Year!

1-1-11

I am established in my new apartment, the weather is warm, and I am aided by many wonderful friends. I can rest here after the chemo therapy which made me very sick.
This week I hope to replace the stints.( Oct 21 blog) It is possible that some of the pain is coming from the wrong size which presses on the nerves. We are looking at Wednesday. It is a one day outpatient surgery as the procedure itself only takes under ten minutes. So keep me in your thoughts this week that it is possible to decrease the pain.

"I'm  afraid," she said.

"Of what?" came the reply.

"Of going", she said.

"Then stay."returned the voice.

I'm  afraid," she said

"Of what?" came the reply.

"Of staying," she replied.

"Then go."

A Blessed New Year without Fear

Lots of love,

Tanza